A Letter for Someone Else...but you can read it if you want.

• This is a little (not little) message I sent out today to someone having twins.  It IS kinda personal, but I want to share because it's an important part of the "birth story" of Avery and Lila which I want to record. Also, it's my part of a conversation we should be having more on the issues of mental health.  If you're looking for light and happy, this isn't it.  Anyway, you've been warned.
  
  I'm sure you're plenty busy these days and that your mind is going a mile-a-minute planning for your kiddies, but I just wanted to share with you my experience. Take it or leave it, but I feel like sometimes the things we go through are partly for us to share with others and not just be for our own benefit. That said, here ya go:
  
  Twins ARE double the blessings as many people will tell you. There are MANY who will offer their advice who have not had twins about how hard it's going to be and how they would never want to have twins and they couldn't do it and blah, blah, blah. I would not share this totally publicly, but if you haven't had twins then you don't know. I don't know what it's like to have triplets, so I wouldn't offer any advice on that. It's kinda like a little "club" of understanding if you've gone through the multiples thing. (That sounds stuck-up, but I don't mean it that way.) So, keep your mind open and take others' advice with a grain of salt...mine, too! Even so, your experience will be SO different from anyone else's. Maybe my story feels too personal, but I feel like sharing. You could just delete it right now!
  
  I'm feeling a little...reflective today. My twin girlies just turned 1 last week and last year on 9/11 I was in the Emergency Room back in the hospital. My beautiful baby girls were barely 6 days old and I was NOT doing well. Since getting home from the hospital after my C-section (it was planned, baby A was breech and there was no way around it, but it was nice to KNOW when they were coming!) I had been in bed. I was dizzy and nearly fainted if I tried walking more than 10 feet, I had no appetite, my face went completely gray after nursing, I was losing weight rapidly, and I was scared out of my mind. I thought I was dying. I really looked half-dead already. From an impression I felt, I stopped nursing because my body wasn't really taking care of itself. SO on 9/11 after 28 hours in the ER not knowing what the heck was wrong with me, here was my diagnosis: major fluid change, slight kidney infection, total and complete lack of sleep, anemia and low iron, but most of all (which I basically had to diagnose myself) ANXIETY.
  
  I had been having panic attacks for weeks and had no idea what they were. (Full-on attacks with blood pressure and heart rate shooting up, inability to breathe deep, feeling like I was drowning, dizzy and pale, etc.) I had chemically and hormonally changed and nobody bothered to inform me about it! The ER doctor asked if I felt like I was an anxious person. I told her not really, so she brushed that off.  I revisited the idea of anxiety with her and she agreed it may be part of my "issues."  Totally confirmed later with my OB, who knew me lots better. Feel free to look up "Post-partum anxiety" or whatever. I sure did in order to figure out what was going on. After finally coming to terms and realizing my mind could not handle the current situation, I sought help. And I needed it. I had help from the bishop, family members fasting, priesthood blessings, my doctor, a therapist, people watching the 2-year-old... I had no idea the physical effects that my mental state could have. (Oh, and sleep. I literally had not slept in weeks so a few nights with a prescribed sleeping pill helped lots.) My OBGYN started me on some medication to help out my brain and I met with a therapist a few times. Even though before they were born I felt confident and ready for the twins, subconsciously I was freaking out (literally) about taking care of my babies and feeling the need to "do, be, and have it all." I felt guilty because I felt like I wasn't fulfilling my role of "mom" and it drove me even further downward.  The twins didn't sleep or stay in my bedroom because I couldn't be near my babies for more than a few minutes without feeling anxious and having panicky symptoms come back.  And it broke my heart. 
  
  
  

   This was taken after arriving at home with the babies from the hospital, probably about an hour before I was laying on the couch for 1-2 hours trying to stay conscious and the whole downhill started.

  

  This picture makes my cry when I look at it.  For the first week of their life outside the hospital, my mom "mothered" Avery and Lila and me because I was so out of it.  I literally don't know how we would have done it without her.  Thanks for sharing her, Dad.  Mom, I already owe you big time for giving life to me, but now my girls too?!  I'm in debt real deep.

   

   Poor Russell had SO much to try and hold together: Work (actually mandatory school internship for which he was paid zero $ and could take no time off), car breaking down, TY (remember how we have another kid?!), and a wife in questionable condition. Not our family's favorite time.

  

   While trying to take pictures of my babies at 10 days old, we got this:

  

   And I looked like this:  (This picture wasn't supposed to be taken, but it's one of the only ones I have of myself during the awful part...and this was a few days after the "diagnosis" so I was on the upswing.)  I looked bad.

  

  
  So, here's my advice to you: get help. Help with meals, cleaning, somebody taking your husband out to relax a bit, sitting on your couch so you can talk about whatever, etc. Be honest with your doctor (or midwife or whoever), but don't wait for them to bring something up if you feel something is "off." Our society (LDS culture very much included) doesn't talk about anxiety, depression, bi-polar, etc. and other such disorders very much, but they are very real and important to address shame-free.
  
  I hope this doesn't scare you at all; it shouldn't. I just wanted to say that it's OKAY to not do everything after your sweet babies are born. YOU need to heal physically, emotionally, mentally, and in all other ways. If that means giving your babies formula instead of nursing one round so you can sleep, I promise they will still love you and thrive. If you don't nurse at all (oh, the shock!) your babies will be fine. I felt guilty and pressure from others about nursing my twins and when I stopped, beat myself up about it. Don't. Some people are back exercising the week after leaving the hospital. That's not me. (It still isn't me! Maybe I should exercise...) It may be you, but cut yourself some slack; it doesn't have to be. Plus, like my mom said, "In the first few months, your babies have no idea who's taking care of them. They just want a healthy and happy mama."
  
  Please let me tell you that my testimony of families was strengthened. Your twins are not "your" babies just as Avery and Lila aren't "mine." They are Heavenly Father's sent to your family for you and your husband and anybody else who offers to care for. Allow and ask for help. One thought I kept having was, "Heavenly Father wouldn't have given us twins if I couldn't handle it." Well, duh, Carolyn. You're not SUPPOSED to handle it on your own. This is why we are organized into families, wards, Relief Societies, etc. Plus, nobody can resist new babies! You may be answering someone's prayers by allowing them to serve you and your family. I swear twins bring a special joy with them...
  
  Anyway, that ended up pretty long! I hope that all makes sense and can be helpful in some way. Please let me know if you have any questions or feel like talking randomly. Prayers for you, your babies, and your family.
  
  <3 carolyn="" font="">
  
  P.S. Also, (unrelated) love your body. It makes me sad when pregos complain about how fat they're getting. You will get pretty big, no doubt about it, but isn't it incredible that your body--while still living--can grow 2 whole other humans?! You'll see your feet again. Your stomach will stretch further than you thought possible, but your guts will not spill out. Thank your body, don't bag on it. Plus, hatin' only dims your pregnancy glow!

There it is.  And have it be known that I feel so blessed.

How did we get HERE?!

So, quite a bit has happened since the last time I posted.  Mainly our big move into our "family home," or the house that we have no plans to leave.  We were fortunate enough to have assistance from family members to be able to purchase a home in Las Vegas now that Russell has a fabulous, stable job as a Physical Therapist.  This whole moving and settling process has caused a bit of uproar in my mental system and I'm still working to find and create our "normal" routine.  Unpacking is most def still going on.  [Side note: it is WAY more difficult to unpack when there is painting to do first!  Add to that 3 little ones to take care of and clean up after and it's no wonder we still look like we moved in yesterday.]  It doesn't feel normal being here yet and doesn't yet feel like our home--kinda feels like somewhere we'll be staying for a while, but not ours.  I hope by Christmas we'll have "a place for every thing and everything in its place."  That's the goal!  Anyway, with so many things covering the floor, I can't say I've vacuumed too much and I'm not excited to have to vacuum now 3,002 square feet.  (Oh, boo-hoo, right?)  Maybe Santa will bring a robot vacuum cleaner...  One can dream!

Speaking of dreams, did I not like just wake up in the hospital after having twins last week?! My babies turned 1!  So much more so than with Ty, I can't believe all of the things that they can do!  Today in church Avery was putting toys into a little container.  I was not aware she had the motor skills and patience or desire to play like that.  Lila, who has always been a little slow when it comes to moving/physical stuff, was standing for a while against Russell's leg, not holding on, just resting her bum and back against him.  Anyway, they're one year and 3 days old.  And I LOVE them.  Like lots.  We both do.  And so does everybody they meet.  I seriously believe that part of Avery and Lila's purpose on earth is bring joy to others.  I know they've already done so for Russell and me, but they are both happy girls who share contagious smiles.

Besides the twinsies getting bigger, quite a bit has changed for me.  A wise man (Uncle Al) said recently, "Things change when you get married and you have someone else to worry about.  Then it changes when you have a kid and then there's a lot more responsibility for you.  The last change is when you have enough kids to outnumber you!  Then it gets tricky."  Well, don't I know it!   My mom sent me a "Happy Birthday Lila and Avery" email, congratulating me on completing/surviving the first year.  Apparently, that's the hardest.  It very well may be for me.  I didn't exactly have the easiest year personally and while generally positive, the birth of the twins changed my life big time.  Not only are we outnumbered so it's difficult to go places, get things done, meet every little one's needs, etc. but I've had a bit of an identity crisis, well, maybe more of an indentity re-working. 

 It's nights like tonight that cause me to be more introspective: after coming home from church I was exhausted from a long weekend and fell asleep on the couch.  When I woke up, Lila and Avery were crying hysterically (because they were hungry, come to find out) and it took a while to calm them down and Russell was feeling ill, so he laid down.  The house is a mess from A&L's birthday party, my sister and fam being here, and life in general, so I was trying to clean that up before it all crusts over, but I needed to get kids fed and in bed.  I started to get nice and anxious and felt overwhelmed.  Part of my mind tells me, "This is no big deal.  Quit being a baby and getting anxious about this.  Just take care of it."  Then the *new* part of me starts taking shorter breaths and gets hot in the chest and my mind says, "AHH!  There's so much to do all at once and everything is going crazy and you can't handle it and you can never take a nap again if this is what you wake up to!"  Of course that's when I practice my deep breathing and don't push away the overwhelm-ness, but push through it.  The children went to bed just fine, hopefully Russell will be feeling well soon, and I had some time to write my thoughts. 

Anyway, I'm still learning and growing and am so happy to be able to do that in our new family home with the 4 people I love most.  Look forward to lots of pictures of little Gourlies! 

Siblings

Ty loves his little sisters.  And although it probably has been mutual forever, Avery and Lila are now starting to show how much they love Ty.  They laugh at/with him more than anybody else.  They probably also cry because of him more (usually because he's laying on top of them or squishing them some other way), but that's not important.  I asked Ty what his favorite thing to do with his sisters is and he said, "Tickle their feeties!"  They usually laugh when he does it, not because it tickles (especially when he's ticking their shoes...) but because they love when he's interacting with them. When Ty comes near them and says some nonsense stuff in a sing-song-y voice, they smile and squeak and wiggle with excitement!  Lolly's legs and arms flail and Avery makes a big, audible gasp.  I love watching it and I hope they'll always consider each other best friends.

At the Tulip Festival at Thanksgiving Point in Utah Valley in April.  Ty was less than super cooperative at taking "sweet brother" pictures with Avery and Lila.  Love Lolla's face!

 

Avey got Ty back, though, by pulling his ear.  Sometimes when he's blowing raspberries on their tummies or just generally getting up in their faces, the girls will grab on to his face (ears, usually) or hair and he starts to whine/cry some.  Glad they can sorta defend themselves!

 During Uncle Kai's graduation, Lila and Ty were staying entertained by Ty eating her fingers.

 Now to return the favor, Ty's fingers are in his sister's mouth.  (Yuck. Who knows what kind of sticky nast are on those...)

 Look at my twinsies sharing a towel!  Nakie, clean babies are some of my favorites.

 We looked at model homes a few weeks ago just for fun (Russell is taking the picture).  It's fun to pretend-plan where our kids would sleep/who will share which room/imagining them growing up in our family home.

Along with his degree, Russell gained 3 offsprings in graduate school.

 This is an oldie, but goodie of tummy time together.

 Ty and Lollipop

Ty and Avey girl were watching some cartoon together.  It's rare that the two of them are sitting still at the same time!  Avery likes to crawl (well, downward dog-tippy toes-face plant-belly flop) over to Ty, especially when he has food.  Can't say Ty loves it a bunch, but he does like to sit next to Avey in the car.  He threw a mini fit today because I started to put Lila's seat first, next to his. 

The Beginning of Fun in the Sun

We went to a pretty cool splash park one afternoon with our friends Connor and Alicia.  It was nice and warm outside, but the splashin' was cool.  I'm sure we'll have many more afternoons playing in water and shade.  Here comes the triple-digit temperatures!

This is Cheeto-hands Ty and his "best friend" Connor who, sadly, is moving later this month. Connor is about a week older than Ty and they always play so well together.

 Too cold for Lila and Avery!  Twin crying.  I promise I didn't leave them in there for a long time; just long enough to take a picture.

 Ty had a fun time running through this little river, but refused to wear his swim shirt.  Good thing he doesn't burn very easily.  (Plus I put sunblock on him.)

 Cuties in the shade.

Twins and Costco

Today I took the children to Costco for a bit of grocery shopping.  When we go to the store, especially Costco, I get stopped lots: the world loves my baby girls.  Twins are kind of an anomaly, I suppose, but a shopping trip seriously takes us so long because we have mini conversation with  nearly every sample-giver, grandmother (and the Henderson Costco is crawling with older folks), and random stranger we drive our cart near.  I have proof; you can ask my mom.  The public must have been too scared of my enormous tummy, because I didn't get nearly as many comments with the babies out than in.

I decided to record and categorize some of the comments from today.  Today only.  And our shopping trip was <$100 (which means not big).  And there's still enough to make a whole post.

The Basics
 It's surprising how many times I hear:
-"Are they twins?'  Yep.  They really don't look more than 9 months apart, do they?  Especially considering how old they are...9 months.  In all fairness, they might not both be mine.  But they are.
-"Are they identical?"  No, look at them.
-"
Cliches
 -"Why didn't you dress them like twins?" I did.  I dressed them like babies who were born from the same womb in age-appropriate clothing.  I think you're looking for "Why didn't you dress them in matching clothes?"  To that I say, because they wear mostly hand-me-downs from non-twins.
-"What did you name them? [Before I could answer.] I had friends growing up names Sheryl and Cheryl."  Yeah, we didn't do that.  Their middle names rhyme (Jayne and Lorraine), but that was coincidental.  Oh, and because we care about our children.
Gender-in-Question
 -"Do you have a boy and a girl?" Well, yes, and another girl.
-"Oh, sweet: boy and girl twins!" -sample server
  "No, they're both girls.  Look--she has a bow in her hair."-another sample server (with whom I continued to have a decent-sized conversation about birthing twins because she has twins, too.)
  "Oh...I must not have seen that."  You must not have.  I almost always have my girls wear headbands to help avoid this confusion.  I'm helping you out, people.  Maybe I should put a blue flower in Ty's hair and expect people to know he's a boy.  
This is what Avery (the assumed boy) was wearing today.  It's not pink and ruffly, but it ain't no boy clothes...and she's cute.

The Baby Genius
-[Referring to Lila]  "This one's the flirt, huh?  I can tell."  Okay... Your 3 second assessment is able to correctly identify and label my children.  Great job.  For the record, I try to avoid saying, "This one is The _____" because that implies the other one isn't _____.  I think perhaps it comes from A talk by Jeffrey R. Holland.
-[Pointing to Lila] "She's more active, isn't she?" Actually, generally no, you just saw her kicking her legs when Avery wasn't.
-[Pointing to Avery] "She's older, right?  I can tell."  Really?  You have very sensitive age-guessing abilities.  She must be showing her 1-minute-headstart maturity.
The Good Stuff 
-"You have a lovely family."  Thank you.  Russell and I were obviously meant to be together.
-"Wow--your body bounced right back after twins!"  Thanks, even though you don't know what it looked like before the twins...
-[This one's common.] "They're precious.  Beautiful." I completely agree.

Don't get me wrong--I love taking my twinsies out.  (And Ty, too, who was so cute and waving at all of the people who stopped to look at the twins.  He waved and said "hi!" like "And I'm here, too!")  And honestly, I like when people admire/comment on my babies.  Avery and Lila always bring smiles to passersby, which is great.  I'm glad I can share them with others because they're too good to keep to myself.  :)  Go ahead world, comment, stare, walk by happier.

Addendum to "Monster Trucks"

Ty is so cutely obsessed with Monster Trucks right now.  He made some "jumps" for his 2 monster truck toys to go over by wrinkling up part of the blanket on his bed.  This morning he called me to come into his room, which is odd because usually after he wakes up he just comes out, and said, "Watch Grave Digger do this jumps!"  Of course he waited for me to cheer and express how impressed I was and then did more jumps, too.  I loved it...loved that he was using his imagination and being a little boy playing with trucks!

When Russell came home from work, Ty called Daddy into his room to watch more cool, cool tricks that Grave Digger can do.  He also spent about 45 minutes looking at the program (which is pretty thick and does have some great pictures) from the Monster Jam show.  I looked at it with him for a while and he told me who all of the trucks are and asked me, "Can you say words?" meaning, "Can you read the stuff on the page out loud?"  I'm surprised (but then again, not) at how quickly he has learned the names of the trucks and how into them he now is!

Tonight when he went to his room at bedtime, he wanted to kneel by his bed and drive his trucks around on the course he created.  I convinced him to at least sit on his bed and drive his trucks up there.  I helped him up and sat him down then he started crying/whining.  I couldn't understand what he was saying for a while then made out, "But I'm squishing my jumps!"  How rude of me to make him ruin his Monster truck ramps and jumps he so carefully set up!  Pretty sure he's sleeping right now, but I wouldn't be surprised if he's snuggled up with Grave Digger.  ;)

Monster Trucks!!!

Russell has been talking for months about taking Ty to the Monster Truck Jam World Finals (or whatever it's called) that happens in Vegas every spring.  When we found out the cost of the tickets, his plan was set aside until Big Papa (Russell's dad) generously offered to cover the tickets so Ty and Russell could have some awesome male bonding time.  They had a BLAST and will probably make it a tradition to go every year we live here. 

During the day before the show, the cars were parked and you could go see them and meet drivers and stuff.  Russell took Ty then brought him home for a nap before they went back at night.  He said Ty was scared of the trucks and wouldn't get close to them!

 Grave Digger, Ty's favorite.

 The boys before they left for the show.  I'm pretty sure Russell was more excited than Ty.  :)

 Ty wore the noise-canceling headphones for a while, but then took them off after a while.  Obviously, he doesn't seem to scared of the trucks now!

 Russell said the show was fairly family-friendly and there were quite a few kids there, which is good.  I was a little worried about that part...

 Ty brought his Grave Digger truck (that Big Papa gave Ty for Christmas) and Russell said Ty entertained himself by driving Grave Digger all over Daddy and himself doing jumps and flips and other cool tricks.  This morning after he woke up he asked me to come into his room so that he could show me Grave Digger (who slept in Ty's bed with him) doing "so cool" tricks and jumps.

While at the show, Russell bought a program that's full of pictures and "bios" of the Monster Trucks and Ty has been reading that thing lots!  I'm glad that they shared this experience together.  Next year they'll probably go with Big Papa!  :)