A Letter for Someone Else...but you can read it if you want.

• This is a little (not little) message I sent out today to someone having twins.  It IS kinda personal, but I want to share because it's an important part of the "birth story" of Avery and Lila which I want to record. Also, it's my part of a conversation we should be having more on the issues of mental health.  If you're looking for light and happy, this isn't it.  Anyway, you've been warned.
  
  I'm sure you're plenty busy these days and that your mind is going a mile-a-minute planning for your kiddies, but I just wanted to share with you my experience. Take it or leave it, but I feel like sometimes the things we go through are partly for us to share with others and not just be for our own benefit. That said, here ya go:
  
  Twins ARE double the blessings as many people will tell you. There are MANY who will offer their advice who have not had twins about how hard it's going to be and how they would never want to have twins and they couldn't do it and blah, blah, blah. I would not share this totally publicly, but if you haven't had twins then you don't know. I don't know what it's like to have triplets, so I wouldn't offer any advice on that. It's kinda like a little "club" of understanding if you've gone through the multiples thing. (That sounds stuck-up, but I don't mean it that way.) So, keep your mind open and take others' advice with a grain of salt...mine, too! Even so, your experience will be SO different from anyone else's. Maybe my story feels too personal, but I feel like sharing. You could just delete it right now!
  
  I'm feeling a little...reflective today. My twin girlies just turned 1 last week and last year on 9/11 I was in the Emergency Room back in the hospital. My beautiful baby girls were barely 6 days old and I was NOT doing well. Since getting home from the hospital after my C-section (it was planned, baby A was breech and there was no way around it, but it was nice to KNOW when they were coming!) I had been in bed. I was dizzy and nearly fainted if I tried walking more than 10 feet, I had no appetite, my face went completely gray after nursing, I was losing weight rapidly, and I was scared out of my mind. I thought I was dying. I really looked half-dead already. From an impression I felt, I stopped nursing because my body wasn't really taking care of itself. SO on 9/11 after 28 hours in the ER not knowing what the heck was wrong with me, here was my diagnosis: major fluid change, slight kidney infection, total and complete lack of sleep, anemia and low iron, but most of all (which I basically had to diagnose myself) ANXIETY.
  
  I had been having panic attacks for weeks and had no idea what they were. (Full-on attacks with blood pressure and heart rate shooting up, inability to breathe deep, feeling like I was drowning, dizzy and pale, etc.) I had chemically and hormonally changed and nobody bothered to inform me about it! The ER doctor asked if I felt like I was an anxious person. I told her not really, so she brushed that off.  I revisited the idea of anxiety with her and she agreed it may be part of my "issues."  Totally confirmed later with my OB, who knew me lots better. Feel free to look up "Post-partum anxiety" or whatever. I sure did in order to figure out what was going on. After finally coming to terms and realizing my mind could not handle the current situation, I sought help. And I needed it. I had help from the bishop, family members fasting, priesthood blessings, my doctor, a therapist, people watching the 2-year-old... I had no idea the physical effects that my mental state could have. (Oh, and sleep. I literally had not slept in weeks so a few nights with a prescribed sleeping pill helped lots.) My OBGYN started me on some medication to help out my brain and I met with a therapist a few times. Even though before they were born I felt confident and ready for the twins, subconsciously I was freaking out (literally) about taking care of my babies and feeling the need to "do, be, and have it all." I felt guilty because I felt like I wasn't fulfilling my role of "mom" and it drove me even further downward.  The twins didn't sleep or stay in my bedroom because I couldn't be near my babies for more than a few minutes without feeling anxious and having panicky symptoms come back.  And it broke my heart. 
  
  
  

   This was taken after arriving at home with the babies from the hospital, probably about an hour before I was laying on the couch for 1-2 hours trying to stay conscious and the whole downhill started.

  

  This picture makes my cry when I look at it.  For the first week of their life outside the hospital, my mom "mothered" Avery and Lila and me because I was so out of it.  I literally don't know how we would have done it without her.  Thanks for sharing her, Dad.  Mom, I already owe you big time for giving life to me, but now my girls too?!  I'm in debt real deep.

   

   Poor Russell had SO much to try and hold together: Work (actually mandatory school internship for which he was paid zero $ and could take no time off), car breaking down, TY (remember how we have another kid?!), and a wife in questionable condition. Not our family's favorite time.

  

   While trying to take pictures of my babies at 10 days old, we got this:

  

   And I looked like this:  (This picture wasn't supposed to be taken, but it's one of the only ones I have of myself during the awful part...and this was a few days after the "diagnosis" so I was on the upswing.)  I looked bad.

  

  
  So, here's my advice to you: get help. Help with meals, cleaning, somebody taking your husband out to relax a bit, sitting on your couch so you can talk about whatever, etc. Be honest with your doctor (or midwife or whoever), but don't wait for them to bring something up if you feel something is "off." Our society (LDS culture very much included) doesn't talk about anxiety, depression, bi-polar, etc. and other such disorders very much, but they are very real and important to address shame-free.
  
  I hope this doesn't scare you at all; it shouldn't. I just wanted to say that it's OKAY to not do everything after your sweet babies are born. YOU need to heal physically, emotionally, mentally, and in all other ways. If that means giving your babies formula instead of nursing one round so you can sleep, I promise they will still love you and thrive. If you don't nurse at all (oh, the shock!) your babies will be fine. I felt guilty and pressure from others about nursing my twins and when I stopped, beat myself up about it. Don't. Some people are back exercising the week after leaving the hospital. That's not me. (It still isn't me! Maybe I should exercise...) It may be you, but cut yourself some slack; it doesn't have to be. Plus, like my mom said, "In the first few months, your babies have no idea who's taking care of them. They just want a healthy and happy mama."
  
  Please let me tell you that my testimony of families was strengthened. Your twins are not "your" babies just as Avery and Lila aren't "mine." They are Heavenly Father's sent to your family for you and your husband and anybody else who offers to care for. Allow and ask for help. One thought I kept having was, "Heavenly Father wouldn't have given us twins if I couldn't handle it." Well, duh, Carolyn. You're not SUPPOSED to handle it on your own. This is why we are organized into families, wards, Relief Societies, etc. Plus, nobody can resist new babies! You may be answering someone's prayers by allowing them to serve you and your family. I swear twins bring a special joy with them...
  
  Anyway, that ended up pretty long! I hope that all makes sense and can be helpful in some way. Please let me know if you have any questions or feel like talking randomly. Prayers for you, your babies, and your family.
  
  <3 carolyn="" font="">
  
  P.S. Also, (unrelated) love your body. It makes me sad when pregos complain about how fat they're getting. You will get pretty big, no doubt about it, but isn't it incredible that your body--while still living--can grow 2 whole other humans?! You'll see your feet again. Your stomach will stretch further than you thought possible, but your guts will not spill out. Thank your body, don't bag on it. Plus, hatin' only dims your pregnancy glow!

There it is.  And have it be known that I feel so blessed.